Understanding Our Destructive Behaviors




Often in life we become stuck in a cycle. One that harms us, or at least doesn't help us. There are things that we wish we could quit or let go of, and yet we can't seem to be able to do that. Why is that? Why are we stuck with something we do not like, and why do we keep doing it even when we know it is not good for us? Well, it comes down to the reason behind the act, our motive if you will. Our reasoning doesn't matter, for we can always talk ourselves out of or into something; we can be very convincing to ourselves. So that doesn't matter, what matters is why we do it in the first place, the reason we have forgotten. Our habits pertain to something. We do not act without reason, and so it is the reason behind the act that brings us to what we are doing today.


Let's say you overeat, drink too much, overindulge in whatever it may be, why do you think you do this? You may have reasons in the moment, you may even have a deeper underlying belief in why you do what you do, but so far this knowledge hasn't helped you. Because it isn't real. It is fitting in with the status quo of how it works for others; their beliefs and reasons have become yours. What this means is that your explanation to yourself for why you do what you do isn't real; it may be borrowed. And believe me others are doing the same thing, relying on false pretenses for their problems and getting away with it. For if we all realized why we act the way we do and understood ourselves, then we would not have these problems. So once we can give up on the idea that we know ourselves, at least the reason behind our problems, then we can begin to let them go. We can begin to heal what first brought us to act this way. As long as we can't blame our actions any longer on our pretenses, we are half-way there. We must take responsibility for our problems in a new and far different direction. This is helpful because this is real. It is like taking the blinders off and seeing ourselves for the first time; it can be very enlightening.


So first let go of the illusion that you really understand your problem and why you do it. Please let that go, for it is only hiding the truth from you. Once you have done this you can begin to see the real you, and perhaps what lies underneath, the beginning of your problem and why it led you here. Whatever the cause, know that your reaction to it is not set in stone. This is another idea that is false; we believe we are stuck with how we are and what we are. This is not real, not at all. If we believe this, then we shouldn't be reading this article. For this is about change and letting go so that we can be the real us, for the first time in our lives, without illusions or pretenses, or hiding from what is real. So let's take another look at ourselves. We know that our ideas of why we do what we do is false; we know that we are not stuck with our reactions, they too are false. So now then let's look at why, the real why, for why we altered our behavior in the belief that it would make us feel better. For this is the real key, everything we do is in effort to make ourselves feel better. The basis behind our actions is that we are trying to comfort ourselves somehow, whether through a sense of protection, hiding, soothing ourselves, or any number of other misbehaviors. For that is what they are, it is like taking a spoon and hitting a pot, hoping to make something of it. It doesn't work; it doesn't form into something real, and it never will.


In our effort to make ourselves feel better, we become out of whack, we misalign our true intentions, so much so that we go overboard. We overdo it because we continue to look for that comfort, that sense of what is right, to find our inner peace again, but it doesn't come from what we do, so we keep doing it, more intensely, more often, until it begins to feel wrong. That is when we realize we have a problem and start making excuses to fill that void of our misunderstanding. So the big picture is that we are seeking to feel better about something and this is the underlying reason behind our behavior. What is it that occurred in your life that wreaked havoc on your sense of security, on your emotional balance? It may not be as obvious as we would like to think, for sometimes our inner fears are met with reality, and in our hast to avoid that emotional instability, we focus on maintaining our comfort; we seek to be soothed. We overreact so that we do not have to face what we fear, what we dislike, or what is happening. Seems simple enough, but understand that this moment that originated your symptoms can be quite far back in your life. It can be connected to you in ways you don't know or realize was so important to you. So what you can do is seek out the origin, the time-frame, but don't go to what seems obvious in your life, really dig deep and look at when you started feeling unsafe, and not at ease in your life, when you started feeling a lack of stability and safety within yourself, not just what was happening in your outside world, but within you. Sometimes it can be as simple as a decision brought on by an event; even small moments can lead us down different roads, especially in our childhood, which is when we do a lot of predetermination in what our lives will be like. And once we have decided on who we are and what we need, we then need to balance that with reality. If we do not make this work, then we seek elsewhere to feel better and okay.


So the need for comfort begets unease, in most cases we overdo it, we overstimulate, overindulge, or overreact. The more we do this, the the more we think that we gain a sense of control over what we lack. Knowing our origins is only half of what we need to do, for once we realize what may have caused this response in ourselves, we still have to come to terms with being okay with how we are now and letting go of the need to keep trying to find comfort in what harms us. Whether we see the truth or not, what essentially really matters is the understanding that comfort, what will make us feel better, is not what we do or how we are in life, but in how we look at ourselves, for it is that shift that lets it go. When we see ourselves as something that no longer needs to be comforted and held, assisted and helped, when we see ourselves as not alone, trying to maintain a sense of ease, then we begin to let go. In seeking comfort and trying to feel okay, we are looking for ourselves to make it so, for it has always been in our hands, this ability to lift ourselves up and take on the world in this way. No one else will do this for us, in this we may be alone, in the sense that the decision is up to us to let go and forgive those wants from long ago, and step forward into a sense of peace given to ourselves. When we let go of our pasts, our desires, our fears, we step into seeing that life is what we make it. We are not victims of circumstance; we are not lost. We can create new stories that do not reside in the way we have been living. We can step clear of that and look at ourselves differently; we can see who we are in a real way that doesn't need to be cared for by experiences, but by the inner love we give ourselves. We seek to be comforted by ourselves. That is the truth and the beginning of it all. When we forgive and let go and start loving who we are for exactly everything we are in this moment, all needs fade away. We lose the desire to find shelter in our outer existence, for we have found a home in ourselves that welcomes us always.


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